i would punch a child for taco bell
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
