I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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