Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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