There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Randomize
