You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
