Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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