She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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