I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
