i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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