Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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