I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We're too hungover to prance.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
