Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
