true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
