Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
