I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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