Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
