dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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