I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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