No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize