I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
