wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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