The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
