Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
