Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
