I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
