then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize