bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Vodka?
Forever.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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