I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
