is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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