you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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