she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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