true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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