Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
