It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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