i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
