we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
