So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
