How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
