My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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