dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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