oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
