I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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