Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
