then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
