you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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