He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
