i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
