Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize