Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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