dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
