while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
