Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
