Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
