Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
