Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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