There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
