Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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