erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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