i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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